Sexuality and drugs 3

The more I discuss about the issue or analyze it, the more I am aware of, the less interesting and romantic it seems to me. In the end, I can’t say which is right and which is wrong, or which is better than the other. People have their freedom and preference to choose what they want to do. Because it is their choice, people have all the reason in the whole world to defend their choice and opinion. As long as I am not a part of their choice, what shall I care about? Do whatsoever one feels like to since there is so much freedom. If I care and worry about the future of the society, I perhaps should worry more about my thesis instead…

Sweden is a country which has enormously open attitude toward certain things such as gender equality but not to everything. On the contrary, some issues are under extreme control, say alcohol, prostitution, drugs… The latter two are absolutely illegal and forbidden while the first one is strickly managed and controled by the state. However, you can never stop black markets doing their business under the table. Youngsters under 20 who are not allowed to buy any alcoholic drink above 3.5% always have their ways to get around. Kids have money since they receive around 1000 kr a month from the state. You can buy enough alcohol to get drunk just like the adults do. Same thing to drugs, though few people are keen on that compared with alcohol. And the most common one perhaps is the weed.

I didn’t know very much about drugs since I was not interested in it at all and I thought and still think it is something that I should avoid. The biggest reason is that, I’m too afraid of being dependent on something. Yeah, I thought all drugs can make you addicted and lose yourself in the end. Well, fortunately weed is not that bad. It is legal to some extent in Holland and the Dutch government trys to use this to attract more tourists to boost their economy so yeah it can’t be too dangerous.

(To be continued.)

Sexuality and Drugs (2)

I was somewhat shocked I have to say, in the beginning.

It was not as easy as I thought to face a quite different world from the so-called norms. Or maybe it was more because I didn’t expect that I would be the only straight volunteer that would work together with many homo or bisexual people for the coming potential HBTQ teenagers. We had crash courses and training before it officially started. Although it was a lot information in Swedish which I wasn’t able to understand perfectly, it was a good chance to get myself used to that atmosphere. As a leader (volunteer) there are quite many rules and things we have to be cautious of, such as our language. In order to behave and talk appropriately in that environment, my tips is to shift my mind set from the norm to abnorm. So I don’t forget and split out any improper words. Despite the hardness to shift myself and the very beginning, I guess I am getting more and more used to it and gladly it has been quite comfortable and fun to hang out with both the other leaders and kids.

Another issue about sexuality is more common and better accepted, i.e. having an open relationship. I was quite dumb and knew very little about things like love and relationship (I’m learning now) so honestly I didn’t even know what ‘an open relationship’ was when I saw it on Facebook’s status. Someone explained it to me with a slice of contempt in her tone. I still have no idea that contempt was for the concept itself or for my igonorance of not knowing it. Anyway, I have found quite many people here especially young people prefer open relationship. To me, a girl from the Eastasian culture and a fairly traditional family, not getting married but living together forever (not always of course) was already somehow a surprise. Nowadays surprises have been upgraded to a new level. I know it’s not everyone is like that but proportionally I feel it is a something quite popular, at least well accepted by many. Older people seems are more willing to have a stable relationship or settle down, but that’s just because they probably have already done that when they were younger. For young people, especially guys around 20, it is just the time when they want to explore as much as they can yet having as little responsibility as possible. It is comprehensiable but I guess it will never be my cup of tea.

I still don’t understand how guys can seperate sex from love and feel so natural about it. It is really weird sometimes, when the Swedish people are so shy, reserved and unsociable, they can be totally open to have intimate relations with random people! If I am not starving to death, I wouldn’t eat food which I don’t like, but for them, it seems that as long as it is edible and can make them full, they don’t mind.. Perhaps they would say: ”Just try if it is good or not. You have to eat anyway right?” Sounds reasonable, or maybe NOT. Food and sex are both our born desires as Confucius said, but they are not always the same I guess.

(To be continued.)

Sexuality and drugs

This year has been pretty exciting. Seriously speaking I have achieved nothing in real, solid stuff. Nevertheless, I have been through a lot mind blowing things and ideas which I would never expect myself to think about before. Sometimes I got really shocked and could hardly accept it, but there is nothing you absolutely hate coz it’s just a process of time. Within this process you will become more and more tolerant toward things you don’t agree with in the very beginning and gradually you will find that you can easily accept it! Things you don’t agree with are not either bad in themselves or bad for you. Of course I’m not saying they are good either. It’s just, they are mind opening. At least this is how I perceive the issues.

First of all, about sexuality. This year I joined a group of people and became a volunteer at a HBTQ’s club for teenagers. It was all a spontaneous decision for me when I saw the news about this project. I lived together with a couple of homo people when I was in China. They were very nice and friendly people though I didn’t know their ‘true identity’ at that time. I had also girl friend who had a crush on me and I suddenly didn’t know what to do when I realized it. There were also some guys in my class or I know turned out to be gay, which was a little bit surprising but after all, ingen konstighet. And btw, I used to tell guys who were chasing after me that I was actually homo coz I didn’t want to hurt them. So it was like, hey it’s not your problem but mine! I hope those guys did feel better. In one word, I’m quite open minded to this thing and I have been quite close to this group of people. I thought, therefore, I could fit in the volunteer group and do my job very well.

To be continued.

Nothing is eternal

I should have already known that. 

The only thing doesn’t change is changing itself. N’est-ce pas??

Whatosh all I do? I can’tjust be like this, hoping to find something that will last forever, as if so I can feel safe about myself and about this world. 

Bigot.

The meaning of life, responsibility, options and choices

I haven’t updated this blog for quite some time, which is a shame because it’s a sign of my hopeless laziness. However, from another point of view, it also means that I am not very much bothered by external or rather mainly internal struggles with my life. Life is good in general, and days move forward so fast that I can hardly remember every single day…

Just like that everyday you can find something new in your life – for example I have been living in Sweden for almost four years and I dare say that I know this country, its people and its culture quite well, but still I have new discoveries time by time, which is a little surprising as well as exciting – I sometimes have strange and new thoughts popping up in my mind, about my life, about others life, about this world we are living in. People of course think all the time; their thoughts change by the time. And this is how people grow up and become mature.

Now I am a bit puzzled, because I am no longer sure about that. Perhaps it also has a great deal to do with the environment in which people live. Since I moved from a very sophisticated society to a rather simple one, my mind and value have been gradually simplified and changed, so is my behavior to things and people. One doesn’t necessarily become naive or go against being mature because of this, but what I have found is that my mental age has stopped somewhere, or even dropped a little bit.

I don’t know whether this is good or bad for me. It is definitely not a good news for my parents anyway. They have sensed it and realized that their only daughter whom they count very much on is no longer reliable for the goodness of the rest of their life. They wanted to see a grown-up girl who had a decent and well-paid job and could take the responsibility of taking care of the family. They were surely disappointed because they saw me as childish as a 7-year-old girl jumping with one foot from my bedroom to the bathroom after I got up in one late morning.

This side story doesn’t say that I lack responsibility right? I’m always a person full of responsibility, at least that’s how I look at myself, and I also respect and adore those who are the same. However, I have to admit that my sense of responsibility for myself is somewhat weaker than before. The reason is, I think less and sometimes I don’t even want to think. Thinking makes people smarter and wiser, yet less happy.

So I chose to be a simple, happy and silly person, living in the fairyland I have created for myself. You can judge by this that I am wise or stupid, naive or mature. I don’t mind. People make choices according to their situations and the environment. What’s the meaning of life? For me, at least it’s not perusing money or anything in vanity.

I’m hoping for a day when I can be satisfied about all the decisions I have made to come. Then I guess I won’t be puzzled about the meaning of life.

P.s. need to get out of my passive mode.

那些我不曾知道的秘密

我自认为是个善解人意的人。可是当岁月流逝，我才慢慢发现我的神经其实很大条。若不是在若干年后经当事人解密，那些跟我有关的爱恨情仇恐怕我一辈子都不会懂得。

有时候听到别人的坦白，仿佛如同听见自己不是父母亲生的女儿一样，震惊不知所措。那时的我是完全被动的，因为主动权已经在坦白者手里，而彼时的坦白者则已将所有的情绪消化殆尽，可以对我泰然相告，说出之后则更如释重负，心结打开。我呢，则陷于惭愧自责和无限的感叹里。

春节回家在初中同学的喜宴之上，见到了很多多年未见甚至叫不上来名字的同学。一个当年在我们班成绩和职务也算居于显赫地位的男同学走到我那桌来敬酒，我跟他不熟，从来就不熟，但有幸他还记得我的长相和名字。（相比之下我就逊色很多，经常忘记名字。）他要我干了一杯酒，理由是当年我的学号排在他前面，他有点不服，加上第一次考试的时候他坐在我前面，要我给他看我的卷子，我不肯，于是小家伙气的要死，从此耿耿于怀。想一想，这都多少年了，我很努力地试着去寻找关于他说的那一丝记忆却怎么都想不起来，难道这就是我们从来不熟络的原因？原来我一入学就得罪了新同学？虽然我的脑海里始终没有这档子事儿，可是我不用去怀疑真伪。既然他现在主动来敬我酒，是不是就表示杯酒泯恩仇了呢？愣在那里的我回过神来之后，爽快地把酒给喝了。

有的时候，酒是个好东西。中国的老古话说：酒后吐真言。对于瑞典人，首先酒能让他们开口说话，然后便是真话。

昨天去了一个趴，典型的学生+私酿的酒水+疯狂烂醉的趴踢。朋友拉我坐下，一直想灌我酒，他自己应该也喝了不少，聊着聊着说到了我们是如何认识的。在他那醉醺醺的情况下，还记得我和他认识的场合，甚至清楚到我当时坐在他的左边还是右边。我则完全记不清了，只知道他当时穿了很滑稽的衣服，若不是那神奇的服装和打扮，我定是一丁点儿印象也没有了。他如此印象深刻是因为他看上我了，然而那次晚宴之后我们半年都没有再遇见，再之后他找到了现在的女朋友，或者说是她找到了他。继续一聊，才发现他清楚地知道很多关于我的事。我惊讶万分，不是因为别人在关注我，而是因为我对于这一切竟浑然不知！

于是我接下来纠结的便是：如果我当初都知道了会怎么样呢？会有不同么？应该会吧，好的或坏的而已。。。

As said, tones are crutial to the Chinese language

在微博上看到的，害我差点笑了个半死：

“先生，您贵姓？” “姓要” “要？哪个要？” “要命的要！” “要命？要不要的要吗？” “我说你们咋连要命都不知道？要命！要命！！打篮球的内个要命！！！！”

瞧瞧，声调有多重要！不光是学习中文的老外有这号老大难啊。。。这马上又让我想起了自己亲身经历的囧事，以前也许已经讲过，笑话再讲一次也无妨。

到瑞典的第一年，有一次参加瑞典朋友的生日告别聚会，认识了朋友的朋友，一个会说些中文的小伙。因为我俩儿坐一块儿，他也想跟我练习中文口语，所以就一个字一个字的，有一搭没一搭地聊着。聚会进行到一半，我已经喝了些红酒加一听啤酒，感觉头有点晕了，于是我说了句：“我好像有点儿醉了。”他说：“是吗？你要睡吗？”我说：“现在？还早嘛，待会儿吧。”他哦了一下说：“好的，待会儿你要睡的话我可以跟你睡。”我听了顿时傻了眼，是我耳朵出问题了吧？难道我已经醉的这么厉害啦！？我立马问他你刚才说什么？他又重复了一遍。好吧，不是我有问题，是他有问题。瑞典的年轻人啊，实在是太开放了啊，还想趁我不清醒的时候占我便宜？！这认识还没到几个钟头呢，就这么直接了？我的脸如果喝酒没红那么彼时一定红的跟火烧云似的了，愣在那里支支吾吾不晓得怎么说才好。一般到这种话说不出来的尴尬时候，我只好傻笑。他又一副关心加认真的样子问我：“你要吗？”还没等我结巴地说出“不要”两个字，他就从沙发上站起来走了，不一会儿又回来了，手里端了杯水递给我。我接过水，头顶马上出现三条黑杠，外加一只乌鸦默默地飞过。。。